Inner Conflict by iVital

Re-read it
Jill's alive so all that emotional depression advice went down the drain.

WHATEVER. I don't care, I'll still read
 
Alright man. Remember, this is all constructive criticism.

First off, this doesn't feel like Jill, at all. During all the segments with Jill, I kept thinking of Ada. Snooping around in the president's office and stealing cars? That sounds all like stuff Ada would do.

You brought Jill into the story way too fast. It really devalued her "death."

Story transitions are okay though, since you labeled them accordingly.

It was a decent read. I can't honestly say I enjoyed it. Just criticism man, don't take it to the heart <3
 
Well that's what I kinda aimed for, for Jill.. I mean, as the story progresses she'll go back to the normal Jill but I needed her to sneak around and stuff to set up a few things that the other characters couldn't.

I brought her in fast because I don't plan on dragging this fic on for too long, It's like a motivational fic to finish the other Jill x Ada story.
 
That's kinda strange since there is so much build-up in this fic. I was expecting it to be one of your largest projects.

But if that's what you were getting at, then I see.
 
Damn that's one hell of a critique.

I say take your time, we all could have waited for Jill at the end.
What's the direction you're going for now? I mean the readers know Jill's alive so when your main character is feeling sad the readers are mentally thinking, "Bro shut the fvck up she's alive. Shit."

Like your main character has that promise from his wife to move on but what about the reader? What's to say that they predict this big meet up and its completely watered down (emotionally) because Jill came into the picture too soon.

Just my opinion and for things you need to think on.
 
Pretty much exactly what Yung said. I was actually enticed over the idea that Jill was dead because it did shed much sympathy onto your character.

And yeah, I don't think I've ever been so honest in a fanfic update before, just saying I was let down by this update.

But I'm sure it will improve.
 
I thought about that stuff, but If I waited to introduce her I would've dragged on Helena and I actually traveling to Tokyo and I honestly didn't have anything in mind for Ada and the other phag to do while waiting, plus I wanted to incorporate Jill into the main action instead of waiting until shit gets really real..

You guys are making it seem like I put no thought into my decisions, I understand the risks and consequences of rushing into things or introducing characters and such too early, but I didn't do it just to do it.. I did it to progress the story as a whole. This isn't a "Write and Go" story where I take Ideas and just put them in each update as I go along and hope you like it. I took my time, took each idea and asked myself "How can this move the story forward? How could this turn on/off the reader?" Etc.. Everything is planned and I know exactly how I want the story to go.. <_<
 
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Hmmm, well you meet up with Ada and Joesph in some location while Jill is on Ada's trail so you eventually meet. Your character is shocked commence rekindling, you three decide to track down Ada and Joesph leading to a big action thingy thing. Short story short either Jill dies "again" or she lives.

Was I close?
 
Hmmm, well you meet up with Ada and Joesph in some location while Jill is on Ada's trail so you eventually meet. Your character is shocked commence rekindling, you three decide to track down Ada and Joesph leading to a big action thingy thing. Short story short either Jill dies "again" or she lives.

Was I close?


Ehhhh... Kinda.
 
I brought her in fast because I don't plan on dragging this fic on for too long, It's like a motivational fic to finish the other Jill x Ada story.
I thought about that stuff, but If I waited to introduce her I would've dragged on Helena

You're trying to do too much for your fanfic. You want it to be short and sweet, but you're trying to develop the characters and the story as if there's a bigger scale to it, and those two can't mix. Don't try to cram a bunch of different story aspects into one short story, as it ends up harming the story rather than helping it. You have to let the story develop naturally, if that makes sense

It's not just the fact that you introduced Jill as being alive so fast, it's the fact that it conflicts with the development of the main character. When you try to progress the story, you have to be conscious of how it can affect other aspects of the story, as everything is connected. It's still your story, but still, it's not just about developing and constantly trying to move and progress forward without looking around to your surroundings, it's about the impact that the characters and events can have on the audience, and timing/manner in which you do all this is extremely important when it comes to impact
 
Awesome I get half a cookie.
And Metal! Spot on :top:

Bish, You said like 1/9876787088796890876906996856781

Of what Metal said, not saying that your advice was not useful or helpful..

and I get what you're saying Metal, Like, Instead of getting straight to the point I can build up to different events (Rising action in a nutshell) and have Mini climaxes at the end of them, instead of going straight to the point..

Dammit, now I gotta re-think all off this ALL OVER AGAIN. I love you guys, but I hate you guys at the same time now..
 
Man it must be nice to insult people through numbers. 1/43q9403095p347qp9847q23895478q9237489q237t84 that is pretty funny.

Have you posted this story to fanfiction.net
 
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