Inner Conflict by iVital

Being honest, there's no other game that I'd rather write about and I can't get enough of the whole Zombie outbreak setting. I mean, I do have a SF fan fic but I'm not feeling it. Plus there's nothing interesting to write about other than RE because that's all I play now that has a legit story line I can branch off of and create something new.. I'm sorry if it bothers you.

I also hate writing MK related Fic also, yea the storyline is god like and all but I can't stand writing about it :/
 
iViTal said:
Smart Goals (This is where I set goals for myself in the Fic, and you guys reply answering these questions or responding to how I feel about what I wrote.)

I feel as if I dragged on the meeting of Helena and I, and added a lot of unnecessary text.

Did I do a good job on ending chapter 1? Did it shock you guys, kinda?

I'm including some members of TRMK into this story, Mainly RE fans if you want in just ask..

Did I do a good job writing in the 1st person POV?

and Finally, Is my character more of the "I can feel his pain" type depressed.. Or Cliche IDGAF I'm sad kinda guy?
Click to expand...
1. None of the text or anything was unnecessary lol in fact I think you could have expanded on aspects just a little more

2. In all honesty, your character did feel like a cliched emo type of character. I think you could have done a better job at establishing his character flaws to make him a little more likeable. Like Yung said, it wouldn't have hurt for you to elaborate a little more on his obsession with Jill. For example, instead of having him wanting to isolate and kill himself over a girl, you could have instead made him into a more of a person who tries to hold it together and move on after losing his loved one, but struggles doing so because he doesn't know how to do it. That would almost guaranteed help the reader want to sympathize and root for your character more, because the audience recognizes that he is making an effort to move on with his life and mature as a person, and that makes him more likeable.

3. Yeah, the ending is good, you did good at setting up future events of the story

4. There be better some Isaiah x Claire porn in this too

5. Yeah, the 1st person perspective was definitely on point

My biggest concern with this is the dialogue though, especially this part...

iViTal said:
"Now, you two are dismissed.. Go out and have some fun together before going into the hell hole that was once Tokyo " President Gibson said laughing.
Click to expand...

That part was extremely offputting for me, not gonna lie. I get what you were trying to do here, but I don't think I would ever laugh after talking about how much of a "hell hole" a place is now, nor would I talk about something like that if I was just suggesting that two people get to know each other better

Most of the dialogue though wasn't terrible, it just felt too casual and immature, with words like "bro" being thrown around, by adults nontheless

Since you have government officials and missions being featured in the story, you should try to keep an air of professionalism and maturity in the story, as that helps the reader take the story more seriously, therefore making the story feel more believable

I think with some of the dialogue though you did try to do that, but you didn't quite hit the mark with it, if you get what I mean

But yeah, this isn't a bad fanfic at all, it definitely has room for improvement though

Really would like to see how you develop your relationship with Helena
 
Last edited:
iViTal said:
Being honest, there's no other game that I'd rather write about and I can't get enough of the whole Zombie outbreak setting. I mean, I do have a SF fan fic but I'm not feeling it. Plus there's nothing interesting to write about other than RE because that's all I play now that has a legit story line I can branch off of and create something new.. I'm sorry if it bothers you.

I also hate writing MK related Fic also, yea the storyline is god like and all but I can't stand writing about it :/
Click to expand...

I'd write a Duke Nukem Forever fanfic before a MK fanfic :laugh:
 
Vital, I just edited my post with more advice, right after you thanked it

Just letting you know so that you don't overlook it
 
Yusssssh.

Lol, I love it when people give a legit response to my questions. Now I know what I have to do in order to improve the story.
 
Probably not anytime soon, I had to write a speech (Presenting it today) so I've been focusing more on that than anything.

Plus I haven't been in the mood to right any fiction at all TBH, then when Christmas break comes around I'm going to be on my Xbox more than anything. :[
 
Haha I guess your right.
But Vital! After Xmasis over you better make this fic make me emotionally invested into the story :mad:
 
Ok, I'll be sure to bring out the Hardcore Zombie x Helena erotica I have deep inside my mind.
 
Don't forget to include me eating out Claire's ass

''It was a truly amazing sight as the young black boy skillfully used his tongue to lift the hardened pebbles of feces out of the crevices of the woman's anal cavity''

... I'll leave now
 
Chapter 2

"Wha---"

I touched the end call button on my phone, only to see a picture of Jill and I kissing.. I immediately threw the phone on the bed.. My conscience was tugging me, requesting that I take a walk around the famous White House to clear my mind.. I took my room key off the lamp stand and exited the room.

I took only a few steps down the hallway, to my surprise Helena was out also, she was holding two Styrofoam cups.

"Hey, I was on my way to your room. I bought you a smoothie." She said extending her arms out to give me the cup.

"Thanks, but may I ask why did you buy me this?" I responded, while accepting the gift.

"Just being kind and thoughtful, you looked down and sad in the president's office so I thought a smoothie would help cheer you up" she said.

"I'm happy that you were concern about me.. Seeya tomorrow" I said going the opposite direction.

I came across a balcony just a few steps away from my bedroom, D.C was silent this night or maybe I was more focused on clearing my mind that I subconsciously blocking out all ambient noise. Many past events passed through my mind that I spent with Jill.. The Arklay mansion, escaping Raccoon, the queen Zenobia.. And finally the Kajuwi incident. It's kinda funny how we didn't love intervene with our job, but now it's different.. Love is my motivation to keep going forward.

Time passed, I finally decided to make my way back to my room to call it a night.. It was a shit ton of traveling and I didn't get any sleep last night neither did I sleep while traveling.

I made it to my room without anything to delay my trip. I lie on the soft, comfortable bed, and fell into a deep sleep..

I felt something, or someone nudging against my chest, I awaken from my seemingly short slumber to find a woman in my arms.. It was Jill.

"But how?" I questioned myself.

She wakes up with a warm, comforting, smile on her face. After seeing that I could really careless how, but happy that's she's here again. However, something feels odd. It's feels as if I already been here.. dajavu?

"You know that breakfast you promised me weeks ago would be great now since we have time off" She said while giggling.

I nodded, I couldn't speak for some odd reason.. Muted, but she could understand the body language that I directed towards her. We got out of bed and prepped ourselves for breakfast at the local dinner.

Once at the diner our waitress, who's face looked vaguely familiar gave us two cups of coffee.. The diner was surprisingly quiet.. It felt as if Jill and I along with the diner's staff were the only people there.

Jill took my hands and put them on the table. She sighed..

"We have to talk.."

I was still unable to speak to her, for some odd reason so I just nodded my head again. Signaling that I was listening.

"Our jobs require us to put our very own lives on the line daily to ensure that others won't experience the same thing we did in Raccoon.. "

She became tearing eyed. I remained silent, and motionless.

"But if I ever die doing my job, just promise me that you will continue on and not quit because I'm not there with you.."

As she spoke to me everything blacken around us, there was this wooden door behind her. As it opened a black figure emerged from the door. It extended it arms to drag Jill's chair into the door.. I held on to her hand but the black figure was stronger and over powered me dragging her into the door. I leaped over the table and charged through the door.

On the other side of the door I somehow changed into my BSAA uniform with my gear...

"Takes you back, doesn't it?" Jill said walking down hall way in what seems as if a mansion I quickly hugged her, relieved to find out that she was ok.

"Whatever happen to 'We can't let love distract us from the mission'" she said, mocking me. "I'll be fine, stop worrying"

At that point in time I didn't care about what I previously said. I dropped the hug, and no matter how bad I wanted to speak.. I couldn't.

"Now c'mon, we have to find info on spencer" she said while walking around the corner.. I followed behind her only to become blinded by a mysterious white light.. My vision slowly transitions to normal.. As I like down I'm holding Jill's pale body in my arms.. She was overwhelmed by the infected.. Nothing could save her, the evac chopper was miles away and by the time they got here she'd be long gone.. Or even worse, a zombie.

"J---J--Just leave me here, I don't want to put your life or the extraction unit lives at risk.." She said to me.

I acknowledge her request and did as she said.. Tears leaked from both of my eyes..

"D-- don't forget..... The promise.." Those were her finals words.

I closed her eyelids and gently rested her body on the bedroom's bed, and walked out the bedroom door to see the same white flash.. As I slowly regain my vision the sun beams into my eyes.. It was only a dream..

I rose from the bed and went into the bathroom to prep myself for the beginning of my newest assignment. I packed the light weighted BSAA uniform to wear because after a while the bullet proof vests and armor becomes tiring to carry around.

I quickly changed clothes and reported to the Oval Office to be briefed.

"Ah! Agent Chapple! You're finally here. We've just received intel from BSAA HQ stating that Ada Wong is behind all of this bioterroist attack in Toky--"

"What? But I thought she was confirmed dead weeks ago?" I interrupted..

Helena walked in the office, she wore khaki tight pants, a red denim jacket with a white t shirt, and with brown boots on.

Helena sat silent, as if she was holding something in.. Something confidential.

The president sighs," yes, that's what we thought, then we found this video recording last night under MY very own bed."

The president threw a clear cube at me, luckily my hand eye was on point and I caught it just before it hit my face.. I opened the cube only to see Ada's face..

"You really thought it was over after the mass infection if China? And my "Death"? Think again Mr president.. This is only the beginning..." The video recording ended.

"She's a sight for sore eyes, and she's Asian.. Sure she doesn't have feelings for you Alex?" I joked..

The president chuckled.

"In other news.. Your ride is here, agent Birkin will escort you there."

Helena and I exit the office, a young blonde woman who looked as if she was in her mid twenties escorted us to the helipad. On the way there I made a mistake a bumped into a woman with blonde hair.. She fell unto the ground..

"Excuse me, I'm so sor---" I said while helping her up.. She looked familiar.. Her eyes. They were colorless..

"I'm sorry, I have to go.." She said while rushing off into the opposite direction.

"No, it can't be.. I watched her die.. Maybe it's the dream that has my mind everywhere.." I thought to myself.

"You sure have a way with the ladies" Helena said...

I chuckled, and continued to follow agent Birkin to the helipad.

Helena and I load into the copter and we took off to Tokyo.

[Blonde Woman's Pov]

"I gotta find a way to Tokyo to make sure he's ok, and Ada doesn't kill him.. I can't lose him again." She said to herself..

"But at least he kept his promise..."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top