Toxic
New member
Now you're probably wondering why I created this thread, when I could just post in the official poetry thread, right? No? I'm explaining it anyway.
Nobody reads the official thread.
Anyway, I saw that Aldo had his own thread, and I figured I'd make one of my own. Can't better if I'm given no comments.
Now this thread has two rules.
Number One: Be brutally honest. Don't sugarcoat things. If my poem needs work, tell me how it needs work. If it's terrible, tell me everything I did wrong.
Number Two: No needless flaming. There's a difference between explaining why something is terrible and saying "it suckz lololololol," the difference being that the first is actually useful. This website has a great community, so I don't expect much of that, but I know a few people *cough* Shirayuki & Havok *cough* who are a bit... liberal... with the use of tl;dr posters.
With that out of the way, I'll leave you to read the actual poems. I've got three so far.
I Watched:
By: Liam Hovey
She held aloft the cigarette,
The brown-white stick of death.
All her friends were smoking,
I mean, it couldn't be that bad.
And so I watched
She took the marijuana,
and held it at eye level.
They said that cigarettes were worse,
And she was only going to try it.
And so I watched
Now it was cocaine,
Straight lines of pure white powder.
You had to snort it up your nose,
but they said the high was incredible.
And so I watched
And now I look at her face,
It's been twenty years, though only one has passed.
Another life taken, another life wasted,
Why did it have to happen?
Because I watched...
* * *
The River of Red
By: Liam Hovey
The air is drowned by the harsh black smoke,
Covering the land in a shroud of pain and blood.
The rain is torrential, it beats down on the land.
Yet it can’t wash away the river of red.
The lives that are lost, young but turned old,
They will never be brought back.
They call them all heroes, but that is not true.
They are innocent victims of the river of red.
Someone fires his rifle, than falls to the ground,
Stunned by the revelation that he just killed a man.
Subjected to horrors not meant for them.
Their souls are tainted by the river of red.
They have little training, yet are rushed into the fray,
The few men in charge hold their fate in their hands.
The selfish desires of those that want more,
they send their people to swim in the river of red.
And when it’s all over, what have we gained?
A river of blood, of death and of pain,
We’ve accomplished nothing but the deaths of our friends
and the feeding of the river of red.
* * *
I kinda made the style for this last one up as I went. It was made for remembrance day. I myself am not quite sure how I feel about it, so I'll let you guys decide.
Lest We Forget
By: Liam Hovey
I see the names scratched into walls,
Names of bodies never found.
They gave their lives for our own freedom,
Protecting our way of life.
Private James Selque,
A mine at Normandy.
Sergeant Anthony Douglas,
Artillery on the Western Front.
I see the rows of tombstones,
Markers of days past.
Men that died for all of us,
Heroes not to be forgotten.
Captain Daniel Chambers,
Shot down over the Pacific.
Colonel Michael Simpson,
Killed by German Flak.
Flowers dot the field,
Gifts to ancestors long past.
Bright red petals with pitch black centers,
They honour all the fallen.
Captain Mark Michaels,
His ship sunk at Midway
Ensign Brice Williams,
A torpedo from afar.
So as you walk through rows of stone,
And gaze upon the dead.
Always remember the sacrifices,
Made by those who bled.
Lest we forget.
* * *
And that's all I got so far. Any advice, criticism, etc is greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading!
Nobody reads the official thread.
Anyway, I saw that Aldo had his own thread, and I figured I'd make one of my own. Can't better if I'm given no comments.
Now this thread has two rules.
Number One: Be brutally honest. Don't sugarcoat things. If my poem needs work, tell me how it needs work. If it's terrible, tell me everything I did wrong.
Number Two: No needless flaming. There's a difference between explaining why something is terrible and saying "it suckz lololololol," the difference being that the first is actually useful. This website has a great community, so I don't expect much of that, but I know a few people *cough* Shirayuki & Havok *cough* who are a bit... liberal... with the use of tl;dr posters.
With that out of the way, I'll leave you to read the actual poems. I've got three so far.
I Watched:
By: Liam Hovey
She held aloft the cigarette,
The brown-white stick of death.
All her friends were smoking,
I mean, it couldn't be that bad.
And so I watched
She took the marijuana,
and held it at eye level.
They said that cigarettes were worse,
And she was only going to try it.
And so I watched
Now it was cocaine,
Straight lines of pure white powder.
You had to snort it up your nose,
but they said the high was incredible.
And so I watched
And now I look at her face,
It's been twenty years, though only one has passed.
Another life taken, another life wasted,
Why did it have to happen?
Because I watched...
* * *
The River of Red
By: Liam Hovey
The air is drowned by the harsh black smoke,
Covering the land in a shroud of pain and blood.
The rain is torrential, it beats down on the land.
Yet it can’t wash away the river of red.
The lives that are lost, young but turned old,
They will never be brought back.
They call them all heroes, but that is not true.
They are innocent victims of the river of red.
Someone fires his rifle, than falls to the ground,
Stunned by the revelation that he just killed a man.
Subjected to horrors not meant for them.
Their souls are tainted by the river of red.
They have little training, yet are rushed into the fray,
The few men in charge hold their fate in their hands.
The selfish desires of those that want more,
they send their people to swim in the river of red.
And when it’s all over, what have we gained?
A river of blood, of death and of pain,
We’ve accomplished nothing but the deaths of our friends
and the feeding of the river of red.
* * *
I kinda made the style for this last one up as I went. It was made for remembrance day. I myself am not quite sure how I feel about it, so I'll let you guys decide.
Lest We Forget
By: Liam Hovey
I see the names scratched into walls,
Names of bodies never found.
They gave their lives for our own freedom,
Protecting our way of life.
Private James Selque,
A mine at Normandy.
Sergeant Anthony Douglas,
Artillery on the Western Front.
I see the rows of tombstones,
Markers of days past.
Men that died for all of us,
Heroes not to be forgotten.
Captain Daniel Chambers,
Shot down over the Pacific.
Colonel Michael Simpson,
Killed by German Flak.
Flowers dot the field,
Gifts to ancestors long past.
Bright red petals with pitch black centers,
They honour all the fallen.
Captain Mark Michaels,
His ship sunk at Midway
Ensign Brice Williams,
A torpedo from afar.
So as you walk through rows of stone,
And gaze upon the dead.
Always remember the sacrifices,
Made by those who bled.
Lest we forget.
* * *
And that's all I got so far. Any advice, criticism, etc is greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading!
