The Story of Daegon

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bad10

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pt.1 is on mortal kombat revisited forum


The story of Daegon pt2the temple


"Now your Quest must begin!"said Caro.Caro opened a portal.It sent Daegon to a forest."Where am i?"asked Daegon.An indian came from a bush"You are in earthrealm!I am Nightwolf.If you help me hunt an escaped oni I will give you a map"Nightwolf said."Okay,I will do it!Dead or Alive?"said Daegon.But Nightwolf was gone.Several minutes later Daegon found an oni."I am Drahmin!"he said."And you will be ****ing dead meat for me too feed on!"Daegon shot a fireball and it hit the oni's head off."That should shut him up"said Daegon.

NightWolf came."Here!Good job on killing Drahmin"he said.Daegon looked at the map."Well the temple is over these bushes!"he said.Daegon went in."Welcome!Let me explain the Quest!"said Argus.After a few minutes of explaining Daegon had enough!He got his and Taven's gift and used it to kill his parents.He was frustrated.


coming soon pt.3 the red dragon

Tell me what you think
 
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1. The part with Nightwolf sounds almost exactly like the mission in Deception's Konquest Mode where you had to find an escaped Oni for him in the Netherrealm.

2. Work on your spacing and your overall grammar.

3. Very anticlimactic ending.

4. Your story is way too short and sounds like it could be made up by anybody in 5 minutes.

5. "****ing dead Meat"? Seriously? Try to make the dialogue sound natural (which most times means try to avoid the use of profanity as much as possible) and like something the character would actually say...

6. Where's the plot? It just sounds like a random scenario.
 
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Well, your punctuation is terrible, the story has no flow or clear direction (Daegon goes here & does this, then he does this, then he does this) the characters lack their proper "voice" I doubt Drahmin says ****, you skip way too much shit, its pretty boring and aside from a few minor things, I don't see how this is any different than his canon story.



/Honesty
 
The story of Daegon pt.3 The Red Dragon

"I must win this Quest!But i must kill Taven to Ensure my victory!I will need a clan to do it for me."said Daegon.He started gathering warriors."I will be a great member!I will skin your brother alive and give hime purple nurples until he craps himself!"said Hsu Hao."You are all hired!"said Daegon."What should we be called?"asked Mavado."We should be called The Red Dragon!"said Hsu Hao."Good!Lets start the search!"said Daegon.

He returned to Caro."Make a portal and send yourself to earthrealm or I'll kil your sorry ass!"said Daegon."Nice welcome"said Caro."Shut up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"said Daegon.Daegon made Caro send his clan to places Taven might appear.They killed anyone in there way.The search began.


coming soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!pt.4The new clan
 
bad10 said:
The story of Daegon pt.3 The Red Dragon

"I must win this Quest!But i must kill Taven to Ensure my victory!I will need a clan to do it for me."said Daegon.He started gathering warriors."I will be a great member!I will skin your brother alive and give hime purple nurples until he craps himself!"said Hsu Hao."You are all hired!"said Daegon."What should we be called?"asked Mavado."We should be called The Red Dragon!"said Hsu Hao."Good!Lets start the search!"said Daegon.

He returned to Caro."Make a portal and send yourself to earthrealm or I'll kil your sorry ass!"said Daegon."Nice welcome"said Caro."Shut up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"said Daegon.Daegon made Caro send his clan to places Taven might appear.They killed anyone in there way.The search began.


coming soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!pt.4The new clan[/QUOTE

DUDE READ THE COMMENTS!
I cant tell who says what, And in grade 1 they tought me when u write a sentence and end it with a . u make a space after it,EX: Hi, i like you. My name is bob! NOTICE THE SPACES?!?!?
Click to expand...
 
Dear users of T.R.M.K,

I am quitting the series.I have started a writing class so that it would be better but you guys are being to tough on me.I am a
beginner!

Sincerely,

David Livingston Hawkins III

P.S.Thanks Back,Back,Back,Low punch
 
bad10 said:
Dear users of T.R.M.K,

I am quitting the series.I have started a writing class so that it would be better but you guys are being to tough on me.I am a
beginner!

Sincerely,

David Livingston Hawkins III

P.S.Thanks Back,Back,Back,Low punch
Click to expand...
It's called honesty bro. But I'd like to see you make another one soon! Just make sure you make it longer and practice. ;)
 
Nobody expects you to quit, kiddo. The entire purpose of having a writing/fanfic section is so you can share what you've written and we can give feedback to help make it better. No one is being hard on you, it's called constructive criticism. It's a concept that the younger set seems unable to grasp.
 
Eh... After that story by that person who will not be named this is pretty damn good in comparison. At least you're not using numbers in your words. I recommend coming back and trying again after you finish your writing course. Flat out quitting is never a good idea.
 
Err... We already have a few stories like that. If you make that it will likely be overshadowed by MKHS.
 
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