Karen Andrews

New member
16 Year old Leah Lianna Liang Has found out that someone killed her parents and kidnapped her little sister Lianna leah Liang,
She seeks vengeance on who did this she gets help from her friends:
Miley Hasashi Scorpion and Mileena's Daughter, Josh Carlton Sonya and Johnny's Son.

Leah Lianna Liang- Has Ice Fans,Ice Powers.

Miley Hasashi-Flaming Sais,Fire power.When She throws these at you,you get cut and burned at the same time.Shoots Fire from the tip of the Sai.

Josh Carlton-A Mixture of His parents fighting combos
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Oh so are you going to write the full story at some point :D?

Also what happen to your other story?
You.... dodnt drop it... did you :afraid:
Im gonna Write The full Story right now,And no i did not abandon my other story i'll edit that one As Soon As I Have Time.
Chapter1-The Devastating Field Trip

16 Year Old Leah Lianna Liang Woke up early and washed her face,Brushed her teeth,and took a shower.She had to wake up early for the Edenian Fighting school,She's been going there for 2 months now with her best friends Miley Hasashi and Josh Carlton. The reason why Josh Carlton was going there is because Kitana told sonya and johnny how good of a school it was, so they let him go. Josh,Miley and her Parents stayed at the Castle,But Sonya and johnny Stayed in earthrealm because of their Duties.(Lmfao)

Josh:Morning Leah.
Leah:Morning Josh.
Josh:Do you know what today is?
Leah:The Trip to The Great World Warriors.
Josh: Yea why do you seem so...
Leah:Because My Little Sister was a pain in the ass last night i had no sleep.
Josh: Wow well todays gonna be great.
Leah:Yea...I hope So.
Kitana:Good Morning kids! Hey josh!
Josh:Hello Mrs.Liang
Josh:Where's Queen Sindel? Leah:My Grandma is With my Grandma in a Dream getaway.
Josh: Oh In Heaven,May their souls.Rest...
Leah:What The Hell Josh They're not Dead!
Kitana:*Laugh* Language Dear
Kuai:Good Morning Josh,Leah.
Leah:No Good Morning to mom dad?
Kuai: Oh we had a good mor...
Leah:Say no more i get it. Leah said knowing he was about to say something freaky.
Lianna:Daddy I'm Ready For school! The 8 year old Lianna screamed from upstairs.
Kitana:Wait why is Everybody awake again? its 5:00 in the morning.
Leah:I usually get up this time.
Josh:Me to.

To Be Continued
Chapte1The Devastating FieldTrip Part2

Kuai:Lianna You Still Have time to sleep.

Leah:Hurry and Finish your Pancakes josh!
Josh:I don't care if were late these are delicious.
Leah:We gotta go pick up your girlfriend Miley.
Josh: One She's Not my girlfriend 2 Didn't she stay her last night?
Leah: Yea but she left so hurry up will ya.

Josh Had a huge but small Crush on miley he kept it to himself but Leah found out easily,While Miley had no clue.

Edenian Fighting School.

Mr.Hibiki : Ok and that is todays Lesson get it Never Ever Ever Let down your guard!!
Leah : How many times have we been over that?
Miley: Like 100 Times.
Mr.Hibiki : Is there Something you girls would like to share?
Mr.Hibiki: Are You Sure?
Leah: Can we Leave now?
Mr.Hibiki: Did you hear the bell?
Leah:Yes i did hear the bell. Leah said as she got up to leave but was stopped by Mr.Hibiki.
Mr.Hibiki: Leah!
Leah: Your mother and Grandmother are very kindhearted people and you?
Leah: I...
Mr.Hibiki: Now you act so Smart,you use to pay attention in my class what happened?
Leah: I had a rough nignt yesterday.
Mr.Hibiki: I'll talk to your parents about this,You may go.

Josh: So why did he hold you back?
Leah:To talk about behavior.
Miley: Well the trip is in one hour i gotta get my lunch in my locker brb.
Josh:Me to.
Leah:Of Course you do josh.
Josh:Your real funny You know?

The Worlds Greatest Warriors Trip

Kyle:Hello Students Im Kyle Ztech,and i'll be showing you around. Your teachers sent emails to our program and stated that you are having a test about Ye old warriors. Any Questions?
Lily:How old are you?
Kyle:Im 21 to be exact.
Kyle:Okay so if eveybody can walk this way I'll show you our first warrior.
Josh: Who's He? He Looks cool.
Kyle:Thats Johnny Cage.
Leah Face Palmed her head and whispered something to josh.
Leah: Thats your dad you idiot!
Josh:Oh...But he has Blonde hair and my dad does not dress like that!,And those Glasses...
Leah: Moving on Shall We?
Lily:Wait but i don't know johnny Cage!
Leah:Maybe you should study instead of giving Boys H...
Kyle:Ladies! Moving On.

As Kyle Was Moving on To Raiden A Limousine that stated The Initials E.R.S. Which meant Edenian Royalty Service showed up, and you could see them through the glass windows.
Guards came running up and quickly said something to kyle and the teacher they nod their heads of approval.
Guard:Young Princess please follow me,Josh Carlton,And Miley Hasashi please hurry into the Limousine.

Leah:Well What happened?
Guard:Your parents were found dead in the Castle and your Little Sister was kidnapped.
josh: Don't cry guys.
Josh said trying to confort the two girls Miley and Leah that was crying.Miley was crying because that was her aunt and uncle.
Guard:Your Grandparents Came as soon as they got the news.

2 B Continued
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Leah: You should study instead of giving boys H-
Kyle: Moving on!

Favorite part :rofl:
My only critique is that it's too short. More details would be cool, but if it's yout style then I won't argue :)
Here's fair warning. I'm going to be brutally honest for the duration of this brief review. If criticism isn't your thing, you should probably turn back now.

First, your plot is paper thin, and held together with nothing more than a few cliche's. Parents are killed and someone dear to the protagonist. That's hardly a unique concept. In fact, how did two of the most feared warriors in all the realms even get defeated? That alone, means that it will quite literally be impossible for our protagonists to take revenge on their killers. Anyone who can defeat Kitana AND Sub Zero is hardly going to be bested by a few children.

Simply put, your plot doesn't work. At all.

The other major problem here is your decision to write this story in script format. In some stories, that format works. And by some, I mean comedies. Only comedies. In any other genre, the only thing achieved are bland two-dimensional characters and a boring and hard to read format. A story such as this needs to be written in traditional paragraph format.

/End brutally honest critique.

If you want advice, contact me with a message.