The New Kombatant,Summary

M

MarianaIsCool

New member
So I wanted this story to be about a girl named britta who has a mom that works at a fighting school in china and her father is a CEO at his company,but her parents are separated. So every now and then Britta switches over to be with father then over to her mother. So I Hope You Like It <3
 
Ch.1,Packing

"Okay mom,…yeah, so you'll pick me up at 1:30? cool."Britta hung up her phone. "Dad I gotta pack up now."Britta said. "Where are you supposed to be going again?" Her dad responded. "Dad stop playing around mom's coming to pick me up in a hour." Britta said."It's only 11:00am pretty early." "Exacly We'll arrive in china on Friday." "Sure Whatever." Britta's Dad replied. Britta left the living room and went upstairs to go pack. Her suitcase was already open so she was stuffing her clothes in.
Then Britta came across a small box with a picture a necklace a bracelet and a pair of earrings. "Oh my god, I didn't think that i still had this.My old picture of Ean,and the gift he gave me." Britta said probably talking to herself. Later on britta packed all of her clothes and personal stuff. She almost cried thinking about her late boyfriend ean, who was 15 just a year older than her. He loved her so much he would even take a bullet for her and he did, after he was in the hospital no details were given if he was alive or dead.
She stared at the picture of herself and ean kissing under a mistletoe,britta caught herself tearing up. "Knock Knock" She wiped her tears and opened the door. "Hey Darling ready to go to the airport?!" Britta's mom excitingly asked."Yeah." britta tried to sound happy."I know when your lying so you might as well just tell the truth." britta's mom said plopping down on britta's bed." I'm not so sure that I'm ready to leave North Carolina." She admitted. "Because of Ean?" Her mom asked sincerely." " …yeah." she replied. "You want a hug Britta?" Her mom asked. "Sure." She said.




So hope you loved it,I'm definitely not done with this story,Um I also have another story that I should be writing soooo yeah. To Be ☆Continued★
 
Well you gave a plot sure enough which is good. The structure however is kinda bad.

For example,
Original said:
"Okay mom,…yeah, so you'll pick me up at 1:30? cool."Britta hung up her phone. "Dad I gotta pack up now."Britta said. "Where are you supposed to be going again?" Her dad responded. "Dad stop playing around mom's coming to pick me up in a hour." Britta said."It's only 11:00am pretty early." "Exacly We'll arrive in china on Friday." "Sure Whatever." Britta's Dad replied. Britta left the living room and went upstairs to go pack. Her suitcase was already open so she was stuffing her clothes in.
Then Britta came across a small box with a picture a necklace a bracelet and a pair of earrings. "Oh my god, I didn't think that i still had this.My old picture of Ean,and the gift he gave me." Britta said probably talking to herself. Later on britta packed all of her clothes and personal stuff. She almost cried thinking about her late boyfriend ean, who was 15 just a year older than her. He loved her so much he would even take a bullet for her and he did, after he was in the hospital no details were given if he was alive or dead.
Click to expand...

^ That is nothing but a big wall of text. Space out your sentences and paragraphs along with fixing some grammatical errors looking like this:

Example Version said:
"Okay mom,…yeah, so you'll pick me up at 1:30? Cool," Britta hung up her phone. "Dad I gotta pack up now," Britta said.

"Where are you supposed to be going again?" Her dad asked.

"Dad stop playing around mom's coming to pick me up in a hour."

"It's only 11:00 am pretty early."

"Exactly We'll arrive in China on Friday."

"Sure whatever." Britta's Dad replied.

Britta left the living room and went upstairs to go pack. Her suitcase was already open so she was stuffing her clothes in. Then, Britta came across a small box with a picture a necklace a bracelet and a pair of earrings.

"Oh my god, I didn't think that I still had this. My old picture of Ean, and the gift he gave me," Britta said talking to herself.

Later on, Britta packed all of her clothes and personal stuff. She almost cried thinking about her late boyfriend Ean, who was just a 15 years older than her. Ean loved her so much he would even take a bullet for her and he did, after he was in the hospital no details were given if he was alive or dead.
Click to expand...

See what I mean? Also a couple of questions for you:

Does this story relate to Mortal Kombat or is it just a free writing?
Are you writing on TRMK's site thing? If so I recommend writing your stories on Word Document
What does the main character look like anyway? A story is really good with detail and such my friend.

I know your getting started and I respect that, I just want to know more cause honestly this story can have potential if you take the effort to write it well. Think about what genre you want to write about this story; tragedy, a light heart experience, etc.
 
OMG, Thanks soo much! I will try to fix up this story as much as I can.<3 Oh! and yes this story will be related to mortal kombat it's gonna have something to do with when britta goes to china. :)
 
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