Lee Chaolan - Sins of the past - A tekken fanfic

Kzaoo

Active member
Prologue

“I thought I’d be happy,” His voice emanated sadness. “All the pain he caused, the misery he brought,” Lee hammered his fist against his desk, causing papers to fly off the surface and fall to the floor. “So why am I so upset? Why am I so frustrated?”

The silver haired demon: Lee Chaolan. A successful businessman, rich, famous and attractive, what more could a man want? A young orphan who lived a tough life on the streets grows up to be one of the wealthiest men on the planet. An inspirational tale of rags to riches. Heh, no. More luck than anything. I was brought into a family, you might have heard of them: the Mishima’s. Yeah, that’s right, the family that owns the seemingly omnipotent Mishima Zaibatsu. The leader of the family brought me into the family as just a young boy. Not for reasons of love, not from the kindness in his heart, just as a training partner for his son, Kazuya Mishima. If it wasn’t for that then God knows where I would be now.

“Heihahci Mishima is dead,” the words echoed through his skull, reducing in volume, but never quite going away. he had been sitting there, looking at some reports. he had the radio on in the background to just to kill the silence. He always hated the silence, it gave him too much of a reason to think. He had much to think about: Childish desires of revenge that he had long put behind him, or so he liked to think; he still had a lingering hatred for the family that raised him. He’d been betrayed too many times. When he had just moved into his office, which still had not changed a bit in design, he made the mistake of letting the silence last way too often. He used to sit in his leather seat that hugged him like a glove with his elbows propped on the desk so he could rest his chin on his fists. The sunlight from the large arched window behind him gave him slight glazing of brightness as he remembered. He remembered old thoughts that left him sour. He remembered painful thoughts that left him resentful. He remembered thoughts of betrayal that filled him with rage. Silence was bad.

Heihachi was the source of most of these troubling thoughts. He always pictured how he would feel once the old man’s death finally came around; he imagined he would feel relived, glad and happy, but this was not the case. Instead, Lee was left with feelings of sadness, despair and regret. Why wasn’t he happy? Why wasn’t he glad that he had the opportunity to seize power of the Zaibatsu? Then he realised why it wasn’t like he wanted it to be. Heihachi Mishima made Lee who he was. Without Heihachi there would be no money, no education, no hope.
 
Hmm a story about Lee, interesting indeed.
Kzaoo you're usually the best when it comes to writing dark stuff so I expect nothing but the finest from you heheh
 
Oh shit... better not f*** up. But thanks, Yung. I'm pretty sure I know what i'm gonna write now. Stay tuned ;)
 
Hmm... I don't know who any of these people are XD

Guess that's what happens when you've never touched a Tekken game in your life. Regardless, the prose is good, and the phrasing isn't poor. I can't really comment on the idea, because all that's really known so far is that some guy died, and the main character is emotionally conflicted by the aforementioned death. So instead I'll just work a bit with some of the mechanical issues of the story (so far).

This part here is rather awkward:
"When he had just moved into his office, which still had not changed a bit in design, he made the mistake of letting the silence last way too often."

The sentence itself is rather halting, and seems to drag on a bit longer than necessary. Instead of "When he had just moved into" you might want to say "When he had first moved into." It flows a bit better. The second part, "which still had not changed a bit in design," could also be rephrased. Does "which had yet to change in design," not roll of the tongue easier? The final part, "He made the mistake of letting the silence last way to often," is a bit confusing as well, in addition to some choppiness. When I was reading it, the "way to often" seemed tacked on and only served to make me wonder whether I had misread the sentence. A better way of phrasing this part might be: "He always made the mistake of letting silence last." Short sweet and smooth.

After all those changes, we go from: "When he had just moved into his office, which still had not changed a bit in design, he made the mistake of letting the silence last way too often."

To...

"When he had first moved into his office, which had yet to change in design, he always made the mistake of letting silence last."

It's shorter and smoother, yet it conveys the same meaning as the previous arrangement. Hell, you could even cut our the second part entirely. It's not really necessary to the story, unless Lee Chaolan's experiences in interior design are going to be cropping up any time soon.

Next, we have this part: "The sunlight from the large arched window behind him gave him slight glazing of brightness as he remembered. He remembered old thoughts that left him sour. He remembered painful thoughts that left him resentful. He remembered thoughts of betrayal that filled him with rage. Silence was bad."

My main issue with this part, is how you phrase his remembrance. "Remembered painful thoughts that left him resentful." Is he remembering the painful thoughts of the family, or of himself. Did they leave him resentful at the time, or leave him resentful now? I can't even try and rephrase it, because I really don't know what you're trying to say with this. What I can talk about is the first part of the sentence, "The sunlight from the large arched window behind him gave him slight glazing of brightness as he remembered."

Read it out loud and tell me that the bold section doesn't sound incredibly awkward. I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to say with this, but working off of assumptions, perhaps this might sound better?

"The sunlight shining through the large arched window behind him left him with a slight glaze of illumination."

I'm assuming that by glaze you mean coating, so I did my best to work that into the rework. If that's not what you meant, then I really don't know what you were trying to say.

Anyway, that's my edit for the day, feel free to take or ignore any advice I have provided in this review and remember that above all else when writing... Enjoy yourself! You could write a bestseller, and it wouldn't mean a damn thing if you didn't enjoy writing it. If things get tough, take a sabbatical. Your fans might hate you in the short run, but in the long run they'll love you for making your work the best it can be. I learned that myself, not too long ago, and just thought I'd pass it on.

Keep up the good work.
 
Thanks man, really constructive advice. I did notice a lot of that myself. Particularly the 'glazed' part and I did cringe at it, haha. What you said about the flowing of sentences was extremely helpful. To be honest, I was like "shit, I haven't described the setting, let me just tack on a bit here."

I really appreciate the advice, I'm definitely gonna think about it next time I write :)
 
Thanks man, really constructive advice. I did notice a lot of that myself. Particularly the 'glazed' part and I did cringe at it, haha. What you said about the flowing of sentences was extremely helpful. To be honest, I was like "shit, I haven't described the setting, let me just tack on a bit here."

I really appreciate the advice, I'm definitely gonna think about it next time I write :)

No problem at all man. I love helping people out with writing. I was the editor for seven different people in my english class XD
 
Short chapter, but there wasn't really much to have here. It is really just a gateway to the next part of the story.


Chapter 1
“With the recent death of the head of the Mishima Zaibatsu, a feud for power is inevitable.” The youthful news reporter stated. Her icy blue eyes were cold and detached, probably caused by a lack of sleep. Lee sighed; various stories about the zaibatsu had been flooding the media recently. The industry had eaten up this chance to make money. But who could blame them? This had to have been the biggest story of the decade.

“Of course, the strongest candidate for the role of the new head is Kazuya Mishima, the son of the late Heihachi Mishima,” The reporter continued. Lee sighed once again. Damn it, I have to move quickly. That bastard probably has the head start. He’s probably already working to take power of the Zaibatsu.. It was indeed a difficult situation. Kazuya had always been one step ahead of him in everything they did, especially fighting. They had started off as equals, their sparring sessions used to last for hours. They went toe to toe against each other, fighting as equals. However, as Kazuya grew older, he got stronger, leaving Lee behind. It was mainly because he practised Mishima style Karate, the style his father specialised in. But Lee practised a variation of Jeet Kune Do. His Master’s limited knowledge of the art left him trailing behind Kazuya.

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Lee buried his head into his palms, his silver hair overflowing through his fingers like cheese being grated. I can’t let Kazuya take over the zaibatsu, he hates the old man. Lee stayed in his grand office for a few hours; he needed a plan. The daylight transformed into the darkness of the night. Suddenly, a spark lit in Lee’s head. He knew what he was going to do.

“Excellent.”
 
Chapter 3

Lights cut through the darkness of the city, giving it a sinister glow. Each window of every skyscraper was illuminated and the streets were still populated with many different types of people; regular pedestrians taking casual strolls through the night, homeless people using unfolded cardboard as makeshift blankets and business people hailing taxis to get home.

The wind glided over Kazuya’s streamlined hair that came to an end in a neatly formed point, just like a duck’s tail. The engine of his motorbike roared as he rapidly flew down the city streets. He was going at least 80mph, but there was no need to worry about the police; he was above the law. If he did get stopped, he would be recognised immediately, assuming he would stop. Kazuya smirked. Finally that old man is out of the picture. The zaibatsu will now be in more capable hands.

After 15 minutes, Kazuya finally arrived at his destination. Even the towering building cowered in fear at his intimidating presence. As he walked into the artificially lighted room, that boasted an expensive and modern design, a shocking image was carved in front of him. His secretary, formerly a beautiful young woman with looming brunette hair and sharp features was slumped over the desk and coated in blood. Her face was a purple, blue and red pulp and her brown hair was now red.

“What is this?” Kazuya growled from his gritted teeth. His veins pounded through his neck. Kazuya stormed through the room, his eyebrows screwed downwards as he threw himself into the elevator and punched the button. “What the hell?” he spoke under his breath. “Who could it be?” I’ve got too many enemies. Damn, I should have expected this. I will find out shortly, I suppose..

As the doors opened, Kazuya could see the damage. There were about a dozen armed tekken force troops thrown about the room; they were all savagely beaten. Done by hand, huh? Kazuya scratched the back of his neck. I guess that narrows it down, whoever did this has probably done it by themselves; its probably a personal matter. The same scene repeated itself on every floor Kazuya went to until he got the roof. He walked up to the helipad and was greeted by a familiar face.

The wind was blowing and they were above all of the lights in the city. The surrounding lamps illuminated the area ever so slightly, giving it a green tint. Lee’s white hair was lifted by the permanent flow of air. Lee had his back turned to Kazuya, his purple waistcoat flaunting an image of a unicorn on the rear. “Brother, it has been too long,” Lee jested. “I was almost beginning to think you forgot about me.”
 
Why, thank you YungQ94 of TRMK forums. I'll update it again asap. Might be tomorrow, even.
 
Why, thank you YungQ94 of TRMK forums. I'll update it again asap. Might be tomorrow, even.

Heh. You're like me with release dates.

"Give me a week!"

*two months later*

"Sorry about the delay guys... Have a chapter?"
 
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