Aldo's Poetry Thread

Aldo Moreno

Aldo Moreno

New member
I decided that I am good enough to start my own poetry thread again. Last time, no one liked it and it hurt my feelings. A lot of people on this site don't know I want to be a poet and I want everyone to know I want to be one now. I will start off with this one I wrote a few weeks ago. I will be writing my poetry on here. Hope you like it.




I thought you were erratic from others but you reliquished of me from your feelings fast.

I have to subjugate this pain, this pain hurts worse than getting hit by a bat.

I don't want to admonish me, I want to do it my way.

I want to abridge all of this to a couple of days.

I hear you say things but all you tell me is treason.

You say my feeling forify anger for nothing, but we honestly have a reason

Yet, I don't know why it matters since I've been efface from your mind.

I don't want to be friends, I want to work things out so you can be mine.

I want to stop all this fighting NOW!

I want us to find a way how.

I must say, I am seriously, sadley, sincerly sorry for the firey furious fights I started.

I didn't mean to, it was not charted.

When we don't talk like we always do, my feelings get sore.

Then I leave, I come back, you tell me things that make my eyes want to pour.

Already, fast, you walked out that door.

.
 
who could not like your poems? The rhyming is on point and the main thing about it is that I can understand the meaning behind it. Good stuff Aldo, good stuff
 
YungQ94 said:
who could not like your poems? The rhyming is on point and the main thing about it is that I can understand the meaning behind it. Good stuff Aldo, good stuff
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Thanks, bro. But it was last year when I got into writing poetry again. It was bad, REALLY bad. I got better.
 
Glad my little pep talk worked. Don't ever let anyone stop your dreams. (as corny as that sounds it's true)

I believe I've already told you once that this poem is awesome but I'll gladly do it again. It's awesome.

Keep up the great work, and I'm looking forward to seeing what you come out with next.
 
Sorry I haven't got to post poems here as I promised. I've been busy with school. Now dancing has popped up. I got to write a poem though. Here it is:).




Take my hand, let us go swim in my brain.

Lately, my mind can't stay in one lane.

The right side is wanting to reach my goals and only my them, accurate aim.

That same side, it's to have homo sapiens that care for it and it's host.

While the left side, is negative and because sad like a ghost.

But the wild mild amber anger is what takes up that side the most.

This sides envys the other side. They try to overwhelm it each day.

The left ATTACKS! the right side as it were a cheetah chasing it's prey.

The right side and the left side are now fighting each other.

It affects the host, it becomes angry at the mother.

Yet he is super generous to his lover.

Or it becomes vice versa.

The left has been the one who has losing.

Yet the right side is getting bruising.

The soul wants the negative to stop.

Before it leaves the host on earth to rot.

I like opinions, advice, and honest thoughts.
 
I definitely got the message behind it. Really awesome how you describe it so well. Nonetheless can't wait for your next poem :)
 
Aldo Moreno said:
I like opinions, advice, and honest thoughts.
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I have a feeling you do not like honest opinions thought. I have some advice, have you thought about going to a real literature class where people don't just pat you on your back? My problem with saying everything is good is that you still keep heading down path in which you think you are doing something right. I know it is open to interpretation, but I am kind of laughing if you want to be taken seriously. I read that you wanted to be a professional poet, well Aldo, start being one. When I was your age, I thought that was good too.

For example....wild mild? What the hell are you talking about? You can be born to wild or born to be mild. If you are writing a poem about self contradicting ideas, well there you go. You got it down.

Yet he is super generous to his lover.

Or it becomes vice versa.
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^^^ Another example of conflicting ideas. Shows that you don't even know what you want to write.
I am sure you do somewhere in your head, but you can't translate thoughts to paper. Practice makes prefect!

Underling your whole poem is just an eyesore and if you're trying to make it stand out, it is standing out as amateur hour.

The words you rhymed were generic. Think outside the box, plus half the words do not even rhyme. Rot...Stop? I see what you are trying to do but if you are going to do it, research some words. Get a pocket dictionary. They even make rhyming dictionary to contrary. I am sure there are even rhyming websites for your facebook, social, I got to have it now culture.

But you can get so much more with out even attempting to rhyme.

Go read this, and come back when you're done.

Facing It
By Yusef Komunyakaa
My black face fades,
hiding inside the black granite.
I said I wouldn't
dammit: No tears.
I'm stone. I'm flesh.
My clouded reflection eyes me
like a bird of prey, the profile of night
slanted against morning. I turn
this way—the stone lets me go.
I turn that way—I'm inside
the Vietnam Veterans Memorial
again, depending on the light
to make a difference.
I go down the 58,022 names,
half-expecting to find
my own in letters like smoke.
I touch the name Andrew Johnson;
I see the booby trap's white flash.
Names shimmer on a woman's blouse
but when she walks away
the names stay on the wall.
Brushstrokes flash, a red bird's
wings cutting across my stare.
The sky. A plane in the sky.
A white vet's image floats
closer to me, then his pale eyes
look through mine. I'm a window.
He's lost his right arm
inside the stone. In the black mirror
a woman’s trying to erase names:
No, she's brushing a boy's hair.
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See what that poem did there? Made you envision, it puts you in a place. It teaches, it makes you yearn, heal, forgive, consulates. It puts you in a time and place. Your poem puts me back to my high school literature classes. Praise, please be departed. That is what you should name your poem. (Only titles are underlined.)

The right side and the left side are now fighting each other.
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You can't just say, here is a scenario, use your own interpretation. It is your duty to portray. You are the crafter and molder. You are giving them a bucket, a plastic shovel and sending them to some whack ass beach off the coast of *insert some generic coastal region*. You are not putting anyone anywhere. This such and such happened, then this such and such happened. I feel such and such way.

Plus only Nicki Minaj can use the word super <3

I am not here to make friends, so I will not kiss your ass.

If you want real honest opinion, feel free to PM. I will even share my stuff from high school, I will share my teachers notes if I still got them, in my closet. Once I remove the bodies, and clean that matted decomposition, I will gladly share. This was no way to bring you down. I am sure you have seen me rip on others, well because I wanted to. At first I was just going to troll it, but sounds like you want to be taken seriously. God Save you. Remember sometimes, people are not worth saving, but sometimes, it's never too late. Me and my self contradictions.
 
I'm going to have to agree with Johnny Rook.

I see very little creativity and very little motivation. There is nothing wrong with keeping poetry personal and about yourself, however, there is something wrong with trying to force ideas to fit certain words just so that the lines rhyme with one another. It's like you're trying to fit dead raccoons into square holes.

Read Ronald Johnson, Allen Ginsberg, etc. and see that poems don't necessarily have to rhyme or even fit a certain structure. Better yet, read Bukowski who, for my money, is one of the greatest poets ever. Here, I'll get you started:


they, all of them, know

ask the sidewalk painters of Paris
ask the sunlight on a sleeping dog
ask the 3 pigs
ask the paperboy
ask the music of Donizetti
ask the barber
ask the murderer
ask the man leaning against a wall
ask the preacher
ask the maker of cabinets
ask the pickpocket or the
pawnbroker or the glass blower
or the seller of manure or
the dentist
ask the revolutionist
ask the man who sticks his head in
the mouth of a lion
ask the man who will release the next
atom bomb
ask the man who thinks he's Christ
ask the bluebird who comes home
at night
ask the peeping Tom
ask the man dying of cancer
ask the man who needs a bath
ask the man with one leg
ask the blind
ask the man with the lisp
ask the opium eater
ask the trembling surgeon
ask the leaves you walk upon
ask a rapist or a
streetcar conductor or an old man
pulling weeds in his garden
ask a bloodsucker
ask a trainer of fleas
ask a man who eats fire
ask the most miserable man you can
find in his most
miserable moment
ask a teacher of judo
ask a rider of elephants
ask a leper, a lifer, a lunger
ask a professor of history
ask the man who never cleans his nails
ask a clown or ask the first face you see
in the light of day
ask your father
ask your son and
his son to be
ask me
ask a burned-out bulb in a paper sack
ask the tempted, the damned, the foolish
the wise, the slavering
ask the builders of temples
ask the men who have never worn shoes
ask Jesus
ask the moon
ask the shadows in the closet
ask the moth, the monk, the madman
ask the man who draws cartoons for The New Yorker
ask a goldfish
ask a fern shaking to a tapdance
ask the map of India
ask a kind face
ask the man hiding under your bed
ask man you hate the most in this
world
ask the man who drank with Dylan Thomas
ask the man who laced Jack Sharkey's gloves
ask the sad-faced man drinking coffee
ask the plumber
ask the man who dreams of ostriches every
night
ask the ticket taker at a freak show
ask the counterfeiter
ask the man sleeping in an alley under
a sheet of paper
ask the conquerors of nations and planets
ask the man who has just cut off his finger
ask a bookmark in the bible
ask the water dripping from a faucet while
the phone rings
ask perjury
ask the deep blue paint
ask the parachute jumper
ask the man with the bellyache
ask the divine eye so sleek and swimming
ask the boy wearing tight pants in
the expensive academy
ask the man who slipped in the bathtub
ask the man chewed by the shark
ask the one who sold me the unmatched
gloves
ask these and all those I have left out
ask the fire the fire the fire —
ask even the liars
ask anybody you please at any time
you please on any day you please
whether it's raining or whether
the snow is there or whether
you are stepping out onto a porch
yellow with warm heat
ask this ask that
ask the man with birdshit in his hair
ask the torturer of animals
ask the man who has seen many bullfights in Spain
ask the owners of new Cadillacs
ask the famous
ask the timid
ask the albino
and the statesman
ask the landlords and the poolplayers
ask the phonies
ask the hired killers
ask the bald men and the fat men
and the tall men and the
short men
ask the one-eyed men, the
oversexed and undersexed men
ask the men who read all the newspaper editorials
ask the men who breed roses
ask the men who feel almost no pain
ask the dying
ask the mowers of lawns and the attenders
of football games
ask any of these or all of these
ask ask ask and
they'll all tell you:

a snarling wife on the balustrade is more
than a man can bear.
 
squirrelpion said:
eloquent, subtle and depressing. it has all the characteristics of an epic poem, fine job aldo!
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So, you're comparing Aldo's work with that of, say, the Divine Comedy or Homer's Odyssey?

Look, Aldo, don't listen to this nonsense on the board. You're a kid writing what he thinks poems are supposed to be. Poetry doesn't have to be a bunch of sentences with a forced rhyme scheme about the angst of a girl leaving you. Poems can be about anything: cars, girls, potatoes, or even fictional characters like Sonic the Hedgehog or Jesus.

Don't try to model yourself after anything if you don't like a particular style. However, if you want honest feedback, I think the two pieces of display on here are run-of-the-mill teenage poetry, and, that if you aspire to be a published, professional author of poetry, you'll starve to death if you hand in stuff like this. Go verse yourself in various forms of poetry and read every writer you can, from Ezra Pound to Sylvia Plath to Walt Whitman to William Carlos Williams to Saul Williams to David Berman to ****ing Hesiod.

You'll see how amazing poetry can actually be, and the feelings that it can invoke and imbibe in the reader.
 
Yes!!!, thanks guys for giving me some criticism. That's what I've been looking for the whole.

@Rook, I can't find any literature classes in Waco. There is some in my school but each year I try to take it, they take me out of it or put me in another class. I'm in pre ap english. I'm working hard and dedicated to become pro. I'm trying to break the habit of rhyming because I've been doing it for years:/.
 
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Saul Williams +rep, nice call there I'M JUST SAYING!

I would search for some after school activities or clubs. I know it sounds "gay" "lame", but if you want to learn the craft, go get in these clubs. You would do yourself a favor, make your parents happy, keep you out of trouble, meet new people. Learn the craft. You can't just tell others you are good, your have to earn it. Make a name for yourself, submit to competitions.

There are so many parts to it from the analysis, to the compensation, to actually getting down and doing the expression. You can't just skim over it and say yeah that it is good. Because it most likely wasn't. Take your time, research, soul search.
 
THE JOHNNY ROOK said:
Saul Williams +rep, nice call there I'M JUST SAYING!

I would search for some after school activities or clubs. I know it sounds "gay" "lame", but if you want to learn the craft, go get in these clubs. You would do yourself a favor, make your parents happy, keep you out of trouble, meet new people. Learn the craft. You can't just tell others you are good, your have to earn it. Make a name for yourself, submit to competitions.

There are so many parts to it from the analysis, to the compensation, to actually getting down and doing the expression. You can't just skim over it and say yeah that it is good. Because it most likely wasn't. Take your time, research, soul search.
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Gay or lame? Nah, I'd do crazy shit to do what I wanna do. I joined the drill team because I wanna get a dancing scholarship and I'm the only dude in there. Thank you for the advice though. There's a art and poetry club but I didn't wanna join because they do more art than poetry, from what I heard.

But yeah, I'll be sure to take my time next time. If you see my old poems, you can see I am better now. I just never have time to practice poetry because other things are in the way. I won't be able to take everyone's advice overnight though, tell that. It's a habit to write like since I've been doing it for years. I HAVE to break it though in order to be consider the title of a good poet.
 
Listen man, rhyming isn't always a "bad" thing and doesn't ruin everything it touches.

The problem with rhyming is as I've stated before, it sometimes forces the writer to abandon good writing and storytelling just to fit something in.

If you can't find any good literature classes, follow our earlier advice of reading lots of different poets. Saul Williams is a great example. He can write a poem >5 lines that'll blow your mind. Here's two examples:

i write in red ink
that turns blue
when the book closes


-and-


cemeteries
are our only
tended gardens

we tend to die


I was in awe of both of those the first time I read each one, and still find them both to be super profound years later. Sometimes, it's the simplest ideas that no one seems to have ever articulated in a certain way, and that's what can make an amazing poem.
 
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