A tale of two Spectres Part 1

Chapter.1 Scorpion

When I had some free time I would sit down remembering the memorys before I was a spectre.The Shirai Ryu and my family meant everything to me and they were all that I lived for. Waking up to the one I loved and watching my little baby boy learn how to walk always made my day and lit me up." . My wife knew he would figure out how to climb out of his crib but I did not realize it would be sooner than I thought, Katsumi made breakfast for us and I run off to my first job.I experienced many things a typical boy would not. I learned Mixed Martial Arts from My father, Hiro Hasashi, who was a very mysterious man with a great temper.

My dad taught me all he could, with zero tolerance for mistakes and absolutely no patience . Although he taught Me martial arts, My Father did not allow me to mess with weapons. One time I found a black duffle bag in my father's office. The bag was stuffed full of ninja gear and weapons and I was caught messing with it from them on upon many occasions..Suddenly Quan chi summoned me.''Scorpion i have a job for you but it will require teamwork.I will summon your partner now''.


this is my first story so go easily on me


thx

This is quite good for starters=D. I recommend you make it a bit more detailed before you continue. Also when scorpion is thinking you could what he is thinking in quotes. And Since you have started the story in third person, it is better you continue his thoughts in third person as well. Or if u like to write in first person you could make the entire story somewhat like a biography , like scorpion is talking to the readers.

Im no good writer, but I have little experience in writing stories and thought of giving you a few tips to help you improve. Keep up the good work mate, can't wait to read more =D

Flying Jinko said:

This is quite good for starters=D. I recommend you make it a bit more detailed before you continue. Also when scorpion is thinking you could what he is thinking in quotes. And Since you have started the story in third person, it is better you continue his thoughts in third person as well. Or if u like to write in first person you could make the entire story somewhat like a biography , like scorpion is talking to the readers.

Im no good writer, but I have little experience in writing stories and thought of giving you a few tips to help you improve. Keep up the good work mate, can't wait to read more =D

Click to expand...

Thanks.Will do i will probably write some more tomorrow.

That's a really good start dude.

UPDATE:i updated it with more info fell free to check it out!

Nice. But Instead of "Suddenly Quan Chi Summoned Scorpion" It would be "Suddenly Quan Chi summoned Me" Because you are writing in Scorpions POV. It's the same as the first sentence, unless it is supposed to be like that Great Start anyways

Good update, Here are some sentences you could correct.

In the second line you could say ,"The Shirai Ryu and my family meant everything to me and they were all that I lived for. Waking up to the one I loved and watching my little baby boy learn how to walk always made my day and lit me up."
Ill update more when I can, great Job so far! Keep up the good work=D.

Btw all of us writers and readers need to make a group over here and help each other out, unless we already have one. If we dont, Ill make one for all of us soon.=D

hey Recon Number 54, I read your story it is pretty good for starters, but i got a small prob you started with scorpions past which is good, along with his son growing up and so on, but then again you started with scorpion learning martial arts from his father, maybe if you tried to explain more of his son and his family then move to his martial arts learning would be better. coz i didn't get some parts. I maybe wrong if someone gets what I'm trying to say feel free to explain more.