Poem: Into the pit below

TOASTY *

New member
this is a short poem called into the pit below


Fighting on a dangerous surface
Not knowing if you will survive
You must beat your opponent to carry on
Bleeding on the edge is a bad sign of death
But when your opponent delivers the final blow
As the wind flows through your hair for last time...
you await your death below





please give feedback
 
okay well the wording seems good except the rythym is way too awkward. you should try writing poems with a better pattern or beat so that when we read it we know exactly how it should flow. i recommend you try something like limericks- AABBA. they're simple and fun to read if you know how to do them. or just do a simple pattern like AABBCCDD etc. but at least the word choice and your sentence structure is great, but the awkward rythym detracts from it.
 
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